And all I can do is think about my past relationships? Seriously… I finished El Mariachi 45 minutes ago and then I remembered another movie I wanted to rewatch from the Maine International Film Festival, but I can’t remember it’s name, I just remembered that I saw it with Mia when we were dating and she was volunteering at the theater, and then I thought of the time Angela and I went to see like 4 movies there one year, and since then I havnt been able to stop thinking about my past relationships… I really wish there was someone I could call on a whim when my mind starts to do this to me and they would be willing to listen to me babble about the past so it’s out and not in my head anymore… Or that my phone would work so I could do that… This could potentially be a long night now…
And useless, and stupid, and stressed, and restless, tired of fucking being here! I’m tired of being home. My parents at so annoying. When they are awake, they are either gabbing and I don’t care or chewing like a dog 3 feet from me, and when they are asleep, my dad demands utmost silence to sleep and my mum fucking takes up the couch so if I want to sit, I basically have to squeeze my body in tight, and I’m not a small guy! I’m not huge, but I take up more than 2 feet of room, so I can’t move or make noise, regardless of how restless I am. My job is stressing me out beyond belief because I’m basically the only person who gets anything done. School isn’t helping because no matter how hard I try, my program manages to elude me through some form of miscommunication. I should have had my certificate over a year ago. My social life sucks. It’s basically down to 3 people, 1 has a life of her own that stresses her out, 1 has a job and that’s about all he does and the last has the most stressful life I have ever been exposed to, and yet he keeps going. I’m not good at dealing with stress. Never have been. I deal with stress by working out, which can’t happen at night because it’s too loud. I’m very snappy lately too, I think it has something to do with the immense stress that I, myself feel, and cannot do anything about. I’m back to my insomniac ways. My muscles are always tense. I’ve been thinking a lot about failure lately. How much I strive not to be one, but I really am. Where have I gotten in life, seriously? The only thing that I have accomplished is bad habits and frisbee prowess. Being single for almost 3 years now is taking its toll on me too. I’m an uber romantic and a flirt, but seriously, there is nobody in my life to serenade and make feel special. The thing that worries me the most though, is how right Roberta might be. She told me I had a classic case of a chronic depression. I don’t want that to be true. But my mood swings lately, somber state of mind, lack of lasting joy. She might just be right. There is so much wrong with me. No wonder I’m becoming such a failure.
That if I just live in the moment, life will become effortless and I will find peace. Or maybe I told myself that one day as I was reading the Tao. I’m not sure, but I’m starting to think that theory is full of shit. It’s impeccable how reasonable and logical my theories are. But I’ve just been in the moment for the last few years. What has it got me thusfar? Heartache, unhappiness and nowhere. I just read a friends post very similar to the one I currently write. We are so alike. I’ve told everyone who asks me what I’m doing that I’m just here. I don’t want to be just here. I’m tired of being here. Not the being on a routine part, but just being here. Here as in everything that makes the parts of this very moment in existence a reality. Location, emotion, state of mind, all of it. I want a real job, I want a real social life, or at least more than a friend or 2 who give a shit and actually exist as a part of my life, I want a companion, and I just want to not be here. It’s an equation for nothing more than scraping the surface. I’m far from stupid, but you actually have to have some sort of certification to do anything, even if you are far more than knowledgeable and qualified. I’m sick of life as it is. I need change. I could say it a million times, but that won’t actually accomplish anything. I require motivation and anticipation. 2 things that don’t exist in the now. Sure I’m at peace, but that’s not what the world intends for an insecure soul. Partly I wanted to get this all out so it wouldn’t just be another thought lost in the chasm of my mind. but mostly I have to get serious about committing change. Declaring a set major, or entering a third party certification program, finding a more fulfilling job, anythings a start.
Not this crappy $9/hr work my ass off to please ungreatful pain in the ass customers every day! Not to mention working anywhere from 20-45 a week, random ass shifts and coming in all the time for people. Put me in a library or a hospital where I belong! Or send me out on the road to roam! I’d love that too… As of now… The only days I have off are days I have class, and in the course of 2 weeks, I’ll have closed and opened the following morning 4 times! I mean really. Give me a day somewhere to laze around and do absolutely nothing! Or get an exceptional workout. I mean a 15 minute run and upper body work is nice, but that’s part of why I still have a gut. Because I don’t have time to work my midsection!
Honestly, if you care about something you do something about it. They cared enough to create a video to raise awareness. A video that went viral. When you think of viral video what do you think. This, or some stupid video that people watch for entertainment? I’m guessing the latter. And yet, when I am criticizing big business or America, nothing. I could go on forever about how oil prices should not be rising due to crisis in the Middle East. If we wanted to there is enough oil based under the Rocky Mountains to last America centuries! Sure it would deface the mountains, which I am quite fond of, but you don’t have to excavate the entirety of the mountains, even just one mountain individually would suffice for decades. But why doesn’t America do it? It would be too convenient. Thousands of jobs in a struggling economy where damn near everything is outsourced already anyways, near infinite oil supplies that could be sold at the rate it was lets say 4 years ago and still cause great revenue for America, eliminate our dependence on foreign oil so we can pull out of countries we are only in because we purchase oil from them and we are there merely as safeguards to ensure we get what we want/need while endangering locals. But why don’t we do it? The people that run this nation are cowards, and I’m damn near convinced part of a conspiracy. But an anarchist would say that, so you an disregard that opinion. But seriously, this Internet sensation, or so that’s what it’s appearing to be either needs to be taken seriously or left alone. If you obnoxiously promote something via the Internet, you are probably a fairly fake person. Especially, since the only rave about Kony I have heard or read is on the Internet, it’s validity falls into question. Not saying I don’t believe it, but what good is really being done this way. Put it in the papers, on the news, in magazines. Media that people apparently care about. This is a massive rant and I honestly couldn’t care less who I piss off. Feel free to argue, but I wouldn’t encourage it unless you already had a counter argument configured.
I’m curious. If the anti-piracy bill passed, people would be forced to legitimately blog and be original. And also, every band ever would rejoice on the fact that, well, instead of people illegally downloading their music, it either spread with them making profit, or by word of mouth which attracts more fans. I like that. I don’t see how that one is so bad. But the censorship, from what I understand, would make the Internet inferior to mass media such as books and magazines. Which from my perspective, also not terrible, but terribly inconvenient. What if you just want to look something up really quick on the go? Nobody would willingly carry a library on their back everywhere! My reason for choosing not to support these acts, is because simply, if you piss off a mob of idiots, like say the entirety of American Public, they will rebel whether it’s actively or passively. I saw a post earlier that said we have real problems and listed global warming. Global warming is on the same level as the natural fuel shortage for me. An illusion created for the soul purpose of extracting money from the public. It’s a scam. Kind of like curing cancer. The government will never admit a cure for cancer as long as they can still make money by “treating the symptoms and extending life expectancy”. Healthcare is an important issue. Keeping our nose out of other countries problems when we have our own issues, is an issue. Education is an issue. Literacy is an issue. Poverty is an issue. Focus on that and maybe I would support our government instead of criticizing what makes this country weak.
I apologize for the rant. I didn’t think I was so bitter this morning.
Now that they are sober. I just returned to my buzz after almost literally chugging a few beers. Mostly because I needed to get them out of the fridge because they tastes just awful. And also because they wind me down. And in the mean time, I’m blogging like an idiot even when I know nobody really cares to read my posts and whether it’s my business or not, I go out of my way to read all the posts of people I know in real life. I’ve lost enough friends and self respect, I can’t imagine losing more. Anyways, point, my 2011 recap.
Successfully worked 30 hour weeks every week up until this week where I have 5 days off consecutively. Worked Halloween, 4th of July, New Years Eve, New Years Day, Christmas, Christmas Eve, Black Friday, Valentines Day, St Paddys day. Literally any holiday about togetherness and love in any form. Lost my Memere, my pup of 16 years, several friends(as in no longer present in my life), a significant amount of self esteem, and the support of my mum and dad who currently think I’m blowing off life because I can get away with it because I’m responsible and self sufficient for the most part. Stayed single all year. Rejected once, I think. Played lots of frisbee, both ultimate and disc golf! Turned 21 and have at least had a beer every night since I have been of age(do I might be what some people call alcoholic.) in other words. 2011 was a shitty year for me.
If you cared enough to read this, thank you! It seems meaningless but it actually means a lot to me. I don’t care people’s opinions of me, but I care that people actually legitimately care enough to acknowledge the existence of my almost subhuman presence.
I shaved on Halloween for my costume… It has been exactly one month and i have to say, my face is itchy, but i missed my beard. I will trim it up for Saturday when i go back to work. Im not sure if it still holds the same symbolic nature that it once did, but we shall see… Things might starting looking up by 2012. As for now, i will go on bullshitting my way through classes and my degree because i have the knowledge, i just need the degree and the experience. November came to a close on a rough note, just as it began. Today was filled with “what if”s because of my long lonely day. The biggest one being “Where would my life be right now if i went to UMF as a single man?” I most certainly wouldnt be who i am right now. I wouldnt have had my time with Beccah. I wouldnt have sacrificed my education to help her out. I wouldnt have made some stupid mistakes. I wouldnt have gotten close to my now best female friend and left brain in Laurel. I dont know where i would be, but i would have missed out on some of the best things that ever happened to me. I wouldnt have the same sense of devotion and dedication that i have now. I wouldnt know how painful it is to suffer through the consequences of a stupid decision. I might not have gone to an ex girlfriends wedding. I might not have been single for the last 2+ years. I might not be as messed up as i am. I might not have turned to alcohol to soothe my pain. I wouldnt have seen all the bands that i have. There is so much that could have changed. I wouldnt give any of it up. I may be a fuck up now, and i may not have a clear future path, but dammit, i am trying. I work full time for subpar wages. Im working towards a degree so i can establish a promising career in the world. Im trying to make the best with what has come into my life and i feel that the things that have stayed in my life are here for a reason. This is quite a rant, but thats what happens when my thoughts are written down. I miss having a confidant to talk to this stuff about.
I’ve thrown away 4 pieces of trash and put 3 bowls and 4 spoons in the sink and he’s saying I do nothing. That the sink is full because of me and I filled the trash up and did nothing about it… I’ve been home and awake for like 10 hours in the last 4 days… How is all that my fault? Seriously, fuck off… The only reason I still live in this fucking house is because I have to pay off my car before I can have enough income for rent. I don’t want to be here, I don’t enjoy living here, my quality of life is next to nothing… And my dad has surgery tomorrow so he will have nothing to do for the next 2 weeks but bitch and complain about every little thing because it can’t possibly be his fault. No, everything is my fault. I’m a good for nothing piece of shit who can’t do anything for himself because I contribute to less than 1/10 of the clutter in this house. I’m the fucking scum of the earth because I don’t wake up until 9 or 10 after getting home from work at almost 11… Yes… Everything that isn’t my mess is my fault. And you wonder how I got so messed up. Why I go through so much booze in 2 days. I have to deal with your fucking god forsaken mouth and the idiots at work almost every day. What have I done to deserve this? What have I done to deserve nothing good in my life? The only thing I have going for me is that I somehow manage to crawl through the motions day by day without completely breaking down or bursting outwardly and killing someone. I need a new job, I need a new life, and mostly, I need something that is going to make me happy and make this shithole worth living in before I seriously consider living out of my car the rest of my life…
I’m sorry ahead of time for the rant… But I really just don’t care. Today outright sucked. Went and got money, went to Ange’s so she could help me get makeup set. The makeup didn’t really pan out so I ended up with just really dark eyes. Got in my priest outfit that I will admit is pretty offensive if you know me. Moment of the day was when an actual Priest came to CVS and had to be waited on by me, I could tell how uncomfortable I made him. Otherwise a very busy day at work. Walking to my car, people were yelling at me from a car calling me a faggot and telling me to wipe the cum out of my hair and wash the shit off my face before the come down and do it for me. My only response to that was bring it! I wouldn’t mind kicking a few asses. Got out and went to Mainely Brews for the Halloween party. It was packed. But I’m still not entirely sure I understand the bar scene and I don’t even know if it’s for me. Chilled for a while, had a drink. Sara won the costume contest so she was highballing and buying people drinks. I kinda just sat on my own and was kinda outcast of the people I knew. If I tried to just kinda hang with the group, things fizzled or I was just kinda left out. People suck. Hung out until 1 when everyone just kinda walked off and I just kinda left without saying anything. I didn’t feel welcome or anything. I realized that I’m still shy. I wish I could remember when I was most confident and bring back whatever it was that made me that. I feel lonely amongst my own “friends” and like a stranger in my own hometown… What’s wrong with me? I think I need some life changes or someone in my life to kinda spice up life and/or keep me on my toes. Obviously whatever I’m doing with my life right now is just making me sorrowful and lost. I hate sounding depressing. I thought I had been happier and optimistic and at peace lately, but I guess it turns out that was a lie. I’m just alone, lost, and in need of some reform.
I was driving home, thinking about how shitty today went. Barely said anything not work related to Chelsea, and got out of work at 10:40 when i was supposed to get out at 10. and the fact i work with Kristy the next 3 days before i finally have a single day off, and that i have a discussion and an online test to do in the morning before i go in. My social life has pretty much dwindled down to 4 people that i see less regularly by the week, i dont want to feel like a workaholic but i put in 40+ hours a week because i have nothing else going for me in life right now. Im single, im stuck as a corporate bitch, im down to only 4 friends i talk to, stuck at home, still paying off my car, and i had a mini panic attack on the Middle Road on my way home, i started hyperventilating and pulled off to the side. Its not that im stressed, because in all honesty, i have whats going under control, its that, the things that are missing from my life, are the things i want the most, and the things that make me happy. I was very bitter today once Kristy started talking about working towards a new life. Im jealous that she has the means to do so. I only wish i could be that lucky. So im just gonna try to relax. If i keep getting out late, i may just consider taking a few days to myself a few days i can actually have off to figure out, what the fuck went wrong in my life since i started taking classes at a commuter school. I hate the life ive become confined to and i want so much more, and i know i am capable of so much more, but i just feel like such a flop, and that im not going anywhere. The one feeling i hate most in this world is uselessness. I hate feeling useless more than anything. Useless to myself, useless to other people. i cant stand it. Thanks whoever even fucking bothers to read this. I rant on occasion and it just keeps going in my head, and i feel stupid if i dont get it out. Even if its just to a blog where such a thing stays permanently affixed. But i have nothing to hide, so who the fuck cares who reads it. Im struggling and somewhere, someone can relate, and all some people need to know is the fact that they are not alone.
to do my classwork. It has been a long time since i actually vented, so here it comes, youve been warned. Im taking a psychology and a sociology course, and the past 2 days ive been wondering why? Why i am taking them? Why cant i speak up and take a chance? Why am i not doing the work? And why do people suck so much? I can justify them as all being related, but thats not my point. Ever since my A&P class, ive wondered, “where will life take me?” Well, as of now, nowhere. Im still stuck commuting for classes that literally mean nothing to a future career, stuck in a pit of yelling and annoyance i call home, and stuck alone on most nights when i am the most restless. I will admit they are all pretty much my fault.
- Class- Ive had a week to do 2 short essays and study for an exam, and ive written one essay. I have had no will to do the work because i am in the class for all the wrong reasons. Im there because NECC was to lazy to get back to me on the 12 emails i sent them over the summer. I want to andvance my life and establish a career, not work 40+ hours a week for a corporation who could give 2 shits about what i want out of life.
- Chance- Ive been single for 2 years. and quite honestly, it has turned me into an utterly stressed individual who spends ever waking moment trying to do something for the sake of keeping my mind off everything, even if it means a 40+ hour work week that leaves me drained and irritable. And when im not busy, i spend the night bitching and moaning about being restless and all i want is for someone to just take a walk with me, and just talk about whatever, anything or everything. And now there is this girl, Chelsea B, who Angela was going to try and set me up with. Before that happened, she started working at my CVS. And well, Ange was right. Shes JUST my type. And in the mean time, im too shy to really talk to her, and when i do, i usually just stand there smiling like an idiot for no reason. In my mind though, how we live is just so different. We are both vagabonds of sorts, but while i like to go out exploring and such, she likes to go out dancing and such. Its just annoying because i feel like ill get nowhere in pursuing her, but i suppose only time will tell.
- Why do people suck?- is an entirely too broad topic. Controling parents, douchebag exs, people who will argue over meaningless things just for the sake of arguing, liars, animal abusers and whatnot else that lurks in the depth of the scum in the world.
Ill just keep dragging forward the weight of it all until things look up. It could be a week, it could be a year, it could be never. All that counts is that my feet will never stop moving so long as i am still breathing.
So honestly, I couldnt care less about the Harry Potter movie that comes out tonight, I read the first four books and got bored with it, and watched the first 2 movies and got bored with it. So there’s obviously nothing there for me. Honestly, to me it’s just a craze like Twilight was, and there again, the movies sucked(pun not intended) and after the first book which was a cute love story, they also were lackluster. Maybe I’m not hipster enough to follow the craze or too hipster because I was unphased by the craze. I could care less about this weekend. It’s my family reunion, and I’m basically gonna sit outside, watch my cousins run around all day, kick ass in some cribbage and maybe toss back a few beers with the relatives because I am of age in the family setting. But otherwise, it’s 3 days off where I could be more productive. I could be playing Frisbee Saturday, making a few extra bucks tomorrow, and seeing Kelsey Sunday. The last one may still be happening depending on when I get back. Not to mention, to my knowledge, lack of Internet and phone service… In my mind, Sunday cannot come fast enough. I really appreciate anyone who actually reads half the bullshit I write.