I’m still dehydrated and sleep deprived. I’m working in Hallmark for 7 hours setting up 37 boxes of Christmas stuff by myself so my stress level will be through the roof, and I still have thoughts of this weekend and the whole Chelsea thing ringing in my head… Fuck me silly it’s Monday. Like a proper Monday… I don’t know what’s worse off, my mind or my body.
It’s almost getting to the point where it’s a problem.
And useless, and stupid, and stressed, and restless, tired of fucking being here! I’m tired of being home. My parents at so annoying. When they are awake, they are either gabbing and I don’t care or chewing like a dog 3 feet from me, and when they are asleep, my dad demands utmost silence to sleep and my mum fucking takes up the couch so if I want to sit, I basically have to squeeze my body in tight, and I’m not a small guy! I’m not huge, but I take up more than 2 feet of room, so I can’t move or make noise, regardless of how restless I am. My job is stressing me out beyond belief because I’m basically the only person who gets anything done. School isn’t helping because no matter how hard I try, my program manages to elude me through some form of miscommunication. I should have had my certificate over a year ago. My social life sucks. It’s basically down to 3 people, 1 has a life of her own that stresses her out, 1 has a job and that’s about all he does and the last has the most stressful life I have ever been exposed to, and yet he keeps going. I’m not good at dealing with stress. Never have been. I deal with stress by working out, which can’t happen at night because it’s too loud. I’m very snappy lately too, I think it has something to do with the immense stress that I, myself feel, and cannot do anything about. I’m back to my insomniac ways. My muscles are always tense. I’ve been thinking a lot about failure lately. How much I strive not to be one, but I really am. Where have I gotten in life, seriously? The only thing that I have accomplished is bad habits and frisbee prowess. Being single for almost 3 years now is taking its toll on me too. I’m an uber romantic and a flirt, but seriously, there is nobody in my life to serenade and make feel special. The thing that worries me the most though, is how right Roberta might be. She told me I had a classic case of a chronic depression. I don’t want that to be true. But my mood swings lately, somber state of mind, lack of lasting joy. She might just be right. There is so much wrong with me. No wonder I’m becoming such a failure.
I’ve been yelled at 3 times, I’ve been working my ass off, and the seminar didn’t happen! I can’t wait until 10:30 when there is a drink in my hand!
I was driving home, thinking about how shitty today went. Barely said anything not work related to Chelsea, and got out of work at 10:40 when i was supposed to get out at 10. and the fact i work with Kristy the next 3 days before i finally have a single day off, and that i have a discussion and an online test to do in the morning before i go in. My social life has pretty much dwindled down to 4 people that i see less regularly by the week, i dont want to feel like a workaholic but i put in 40+ hours a week because i have nothing else going for me in life right now. Im single, im stuck as a corporate bitch, im down to only 4 friends i talk to, stuck at home, still paying off my car, and i had a mini panic attack on the Middle Road on my way home, i started hyperventilating and pulled off to the side. Its not that im stressed, because in all honesty, i have whats going under control, its that, the things that are missing from my life, are the things i want the most, and the things that make me happy. I was very bitter today once Kristy started talking about working towards a new life. Im jealous that she has the means to do so. I only wish i could be that lucky. So im just gonna try to relax. If i keep getting out late, i may just consider taking a few days to myself a few days i can actually have off to figure out, what the fuck went wrong in my life since i started taking classes at a commuter school. I hate the life ive become confined to and i want so much more, and i know i am capable of so much more, but i just feel like such a flop, and that im not going anywhere. The one feeling i hate most in this world is uselessness. I hate feeling useless more than anything. Useless to myself, useless to other people. i cant stand it. Thanks whoever even fucking bothers to read this. I rant on occasion and it just keeps going in my head, and i feel stupid if i dont get it out. Even if its just to a blog where such a thing stays permanently affixed. But i have nothing to hide, so who the fuck cares who reads it. Im struggling and somewhere, someone can relate, and all some people need to know is the fact that they are not alone.
I work until 10 and the last thing I want to do is come home and be as inconspicuous as a mouse, especially when I am as restless as I usually am when I get home. I want to be loud. I want to listen to music and actually be able to hear it, I want to have the TV volume louder than 6, I want to be able to close the door and not get yelled at for closing it correctly, and most of all, if needed I’d like to yell, moan, swear and or scream as needed. In pleasure, in pain, or even in sheer anger. I cannot stand quiet when im awake and restless. If the TV is on, the volume needs to be louder than the hum of the bulbs, if music is on, I need to hear every little detail down to the muted chords and background vocals, and if I am outright pissed, I need to outwardly express it or I just get stressed and more restless. Silence is not something I enjoy. Especially not when I come home restless and need to do something before I can be tired enough to go to sleep. I cannot wait to have a place of my own where this is possible, because as of now, my stress and frustration levels are through the roof and I cannot exactly release stress when I get home and can’t be anything but silent. I’m just fucking sick of it.