Someone special who understands depth, and can help decipher the inner machinations of my mind… It’s scary how useless I am alone.
I was driving home, thinking about how shitty today went. Barely said anything not work related to Chelsea, and got out of work at 10:40 when i was supposed to get out at 10. and the fact i work with Kristy the next 3 days before i finally have a single day off, and that i have a discussion and an online test to do in the morning before i go in. My social life has pretty much dwindled down to 4 people that i see less regularly by the week, i dont want to feel like a workaholic but i put in 40+ hours a week because i have nothing else going for me in life right now. Im single, im stuck as a corporate bitch, im down to only 4 friends i talk to, stuck at home, still paying off my car, and i had a mini panic attack on the Middle Road on my way home, i started hyperventilating and pulled off to the side. Its not that im stressed, because in all honesty, i have whats going under control, its that, the things that are missing from my life, are the things i want the most, and the things that make me happy. I was very bitter today once Kristy started talking about working towards a new life. Im jealous that she has the means to do so. I only wish i could be that lucky. So im just gonna try to relax. If i keep getting out late, i may just consider taking a few days to myself a few days i can actually have off to figure out, what the fuck went wrong in my life since i started taking classes at a commuter school. I hate the life ive become confined to and i want so much more, and i know i am capable of so much more, but i just feel like such a flop, and that im not going anywhere. The one feeling i hate most in this world is uselessness. I hate feeling useless more than anything. Useless to myself, useless to other people. i cant stand it. Thanks whoever even fucking bothers to read this. I rant on occasion and it just keeps going in my head, and i feel stupid if i dont get it out. Even if its just to a blog where such a thing stays permanently affixed. But i have nothing to hide, so who the fuck cares who reads it. Im struggling and somewhere, someone can relate, and all some people need to know is the fact that they are not alone.